• Mistrix Violeta Félix

Teaching BDSM 101 To Boricua Queers

Updated: Mar 2, 2019


I went some time ago to visit My homeland, Puerto Rico, to visit some friends and family. I sunbathed on the warm, sandy beaches, sipped on freshly cut coconuts, and walked through the rainforest. I felt deep connection with the nature around Me: the gentle roar of the ocean's tide, the soft percussion of the flowing rivers, and the echoing songs of coquis and songbirds. Typical #ILiveWhereYouVacation or more accurately, #IUsedToLiveWhereYouVacation 🤷‍♀️

Besides living out My Caribbean Goddex fantasy, one of the main objectives of My trip was to teach an intimate BDSM workshop for Queer and Trans people in My community. If you've read My previous post, you'll know that Puerto Rico barely has a BDSM scene. No dungeons, no play parties, no nothing. Zip. Zero. None. The only thing I know about a kinky meetup in the island was this really angry board post on FetLife that complained about everyone flaking on the meetings/munches/workshops. And I'm talking about straight people. If not even straight people have an organized BDSM community, I imagined that even less so for queer people.


I noticed that a lot of the people in My community back home showed an interest in BDSM (judging from all those Daddy kink memes they would not stop sharing) and contacted My best friend back home to help Me organize a 101 workshop. She was delighted and very, very eager for Me to teach, as well as assuring Me that the community would be just as eager to attend. I told her that I needed a demo bottom for the workshop and, faster than the speed of light, she texted: "😍😍😍 ME!!!"

A little backstory: My best friend and I have been best friends since forever. I have witnessed her constant growth and I've always been proud of her in the same way she is of Me. Even after My departure from the island we spoil each other with gifts, send each other gushy messages, and give long-winded motivational speeches through text. We are essentially a platonic lesbian couple. A little over a year ago, she came out as a trans woman and began hormonal treatment, and she told Me that ever since then she rarely goes out in the daytime because she is afraid of being harassed or misgendered. When she was taking Me around the island, it was the most she had ever been out during the day in a long time. This hurt my soul to hear, because a person as brilliant and kind as she is should not be afraid to walk around in her own neighborhood. However, this is the reality for many trans women, and this is only scratching the surface of the many hurdles that they have to go through.


This was going to be her first time subbing. She told Me that If I wanted a more experienced bottom that she would get one for Me, however I stood by the fact that there wouldn't be a better sub in the world than her. The longstanding bond and trust we have is worth way more than any experienced player. Before the workshop, we had a practice scene so she could understand what could be her limits and what she liked. For this workshop, I went with the basics: some easy impact play and beginner rope bondage, however that was more than enough to make her eager to play. Throughout the scene we were giggling due to the nature that our friendship had finally culminated, and in between giggles I kept reassuring her that she is safe with Me. I acknowledged that she was offering Me the most intimate thing that a human could provide: her pain.

Therefore, I treated this moment like a treasure.


At the end of the scene, I was going to paddle her 25 times. When I uttered the number, her eyes widened as she chuckled nervously, the number clearly seemed intimidating. Despite that, she accepted it and took it. When I finished, she was in tears. I quickly unbound her and took her into My arms.


"What's wrong?" I asked her.

"Nothing, it's just that-- When you were paddling me, at first I thought I could not take it, but then I kept pushing through it and made it. So when I hear how people use BDSM as a tool for healing, I now understand that. I feel that if I can push through that pain I can also push through anything. I can push myself to go outside in the daylight and become stronger as a trans woman."


To say that I was extremely humbled by this moment is an understatement. I held her tightly, stroked her hair, and felt incredibly proud that she reached this breakthrough (and on her first time!) I asked her if she was going to be ready to do this tomorrow, to which she responded: "Yes".

On the day of the workshop, I prepared a PowerPoint, got my gear together, and headed out. We held it in what is possibly the unsexiest place you could host a kink workshop: a nonprofit office presentation room, complete with grey carpet, fluorescent lights and an excess of office boxes everywhere. I made it work nonetheless. Let me tell you, I could have not asked for a better audience: they were attentive, curious and inquiring. I could tell they were dying for something like this, because throughout the workshop their jaws were on the floor as they continuously kept fanning themselves. It was adorable. Besides teaching them basic techniques, I spoke about the importance of safety and communication, unsafe sex toys, and what partners to watch out for, as well as handing out a negotiation sheet and rope safety diagrams. They were mindblown. Never in their lives have they seen anything like this. After the workshop, one person told Me that this class changed their life. Two people asked Me if they could bottom for the next workshop.

Oh. My. God.


La Sombrilla Cuir (Meaning "The Queer Umbrella", they're an org that focuses on educating Puerto Ricans about LGBTQ subjects) helped me host this event and interviewed Me for their podcast, which you can listen to here (It's in Spanish! English speakers beware!). One of the members spoke to Me about making another workshop since this one was such a success, and perhaps do a double feature event in which one of them speaks about safe sex practices and I teach about BDSM.

Ahhh! I can't wait to visit back home again! 🙈

Tell Me, how were your first BDSM experiences? When did you start? Was it good, bad, awkward, trascendental? Let Me know in the comments! -MVF

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